AND EVEN MORE REVIEWS

Gabrielle Lovisa

Sabrina’s Story, “Only Cowards Say Sorry Over the Phone”

Sabrina,

First of all, I just wanted to say that you are an incredible writer. Your pieces are always some of my favorites to read and I always find myself feeling very moved after reading them. This story in particular was very powerful and moving. I love your attention to detail and how much thought you put into setting up the scene of your story. I also love the figurative language that you utilized throughout, making the story more intriguing and fun to read. In the beginning, I felt like the story flowed very nicely and incorporated a very indifferent tone, yet hit a breaking point at the line stating, “And then my phone rang.” From there on out, I noticed a huge shift in tone and could literally feel the tension rising. This turning point in your writing really took me by surprise and despite the anger and frustration that was vocalized, I really found myself engaging fully and loving this part of your writing. You did not hold back at all and delivered so much power, especially when describing the girl that the father had cheated on the mother with. Along with this, I also really enjoyed reading the last paragraph. The shift from the initial few paragraphs to the final paragraph was a clear representation of how much this situation impacted the narrator. By the way, great use of first person! All in all, I loved this story and can’t wait to hear/read what you write next!

Paige Shafer

Poem 4 Critiques

 

For Sabrina:

It’s very interesting seeing a sequel to the poem “Party Girl” I’m pretty sure that was the second poem you wrote for this class. I like that. A lot of the inner dialogue is interesting to read. The situation itself really changes the first story, adding onto it to make it more than what it was before. Your perspective on an anxiety attack of sorts was really what caught my eye. As someone who has experienced anxiety attacks in the past… this has never really happened to me. My anxiety attacks play out differently so at first glance I was concerned. Then again, I’m sure anxiety attacks are different for each person. So, seeing a different take on anxiety attacks piqued my curiosity. All in all, a nice finish for your poems this semester.

 

For Rachel:

The first few lines of your poem really hit different. Especially with the phrase in parentheses “So, not like now”. Adds a touch of humor to your poem. The overall environment and mood you portray is spectacular, and almost soothing. You use the imagery well, unafraid to dump it all on the reader. It’s bold, and I love it! Quickly, this poem turns into a romantic one. It’s what every girl dreams of. Meeting THE one under the perfect setting. You weave the scene into harmony with the romantic “plot” of the poem. I enjoyed reading it quite a lot! As always, you have a deep understanding of whatever topic you tackle in your poems. I’m always impressed by what you write. So, keep it up!

 

For Chase:

“Gone North” is perhaps the most fitting title for this poem, even if it doesn’t seem that way when you start the poem. I’ll admit, when I first read it, I thought it was someone being forced to go to a church service. My mind COMPLETELY missed the whole “it USED to be a church in Michigan” line, even though it was the first line. Only when I read further into the poem did I have to go back to the first line, realize my error with slight embarrassment, and keep reading. I was intrigued, however. The mystery of what happened to the dad is almost as haunting as the song referenced in the poem. I think you captured the environment and mood well. Everything was in place, not a word out of line. It was a very good poem that I enjoyed reading multiple times. So thank you for blessing my eyes with good content.

 

For Stephanie:

Man, this was a stellar poem. I loved all the pop culture references (they warmed my heart). I never had MySpace, but I know enough about it to know everything you said was completely accurate. I can also relate to having an abandoned Twitter account with who-knows-what on it. Overall, loving all the references to different social platforms on the internet. It’s a peek into the crazy internet culture new generations are being introduced to. We were the pioneers of it, and they reap the fruits we sowed long ago. Though whether they are all fruits is something your poem seems to tackle. So well done. It’s one I would read again and again.

 

For Quinn N.:

I’m not going to lie when I say I always look forward to what you write. And I think everyone else in the class agrees with me when I say that. Your use of imagery? Stellar. BEYOND that, even. You really harmonize with the poetic style of Capps, giving your readers much to ponder over. You can convey so much with few words. I can’t tell if you handpick each word carefully, or if you throw it all together in a short span of time. Either way impresses me. You are a wordsmith. There’s not much else I can say after critiquing three of your pieces. Just know that like many in our class, you have my respect as a write. And I look forward to see what you create next. 

Rachel's Reviews

Poem 4:

Sabrina: “Party Girl 2” 

Sabrina, I really like this counterpart to your first piece.  I feel like it pairs really nicely with it, gives another dynamic to the conversation, and it’s very well-written.  I found myself wondering about what the “sound cried through the speakers” could be—whether it was just trendy music, or a DJ, or whatever—but the feel / mood is well established by this intro couplet.  The picture that you draw from here forward is quite clear and powerful, too.  The narrator’s “epiphany” is really beautifully captured as we move through her inner thought processes.  The message is undeniable—these up-dressed (costumed) people who have put on their “fake faces” for the world to see, like the masquerade of a Halloween ball, are truly the opposite of what they project.  They are put-together, laughing, beautiful, and funny people on the outside, but anxious (by implication, needy perhaps?) little people hiding underneath it all.  The way that you end with the narrator choosing the “path of social damnation” is really good, too, along with the complaining but compliant friend who leaves the party with her.  I feel like it really paints a believable and relatable scenario for (I’m sure) a lot of readers out there.  Stylistically speaking, you were really successful at almost un-detectably pulling off the rhyme scheme, as well as beautifully symmetrical line pairings.  There was really very little disruption of flow when reading through, so bravo on incorporating that so seamlessly.  Finally, the use of italics in the thoughts / speech of the narrator, setting off her “epiphany” as she experienced it, was another great play.  Overall, I thought it was a very well-written poem with a really substantial and meaningful subject matter.  I enjoyed reading it a lot.  Great job!

 

Short Story 1:

Sabrina – “Only Cowards Say Sorry Over the Phone” 

Sabrina, I know I already said a lot in class about this story, so I will try and not repeat myself.  I’ll just try and stick to the cheat-sheet for this feedback J  So, first of all, your tone was a really well-established with this first-person narrator from the very beginning of the piece.  We feel a struggle—with anger, with depression, and with (the probably causal) self-neglect—that she engages in from those very first lines.  As the story and the conflict (surrounding Dad’s dark deed) unfold, we see a very clear picture of a young woman who has assumed the job of carrying the burdens of the world—burdens of responsibility, of emotional baggage, and so on.  From shouldering unwanted shifts at the bookstore, to carrying her father’s dark secret, this girl has become everyone’s bearer of unwanted burdens, it seems. The way that the dialogue is used to expose the conflict was really quite good, and made a really personal introduction to a subject that was further elaborated on by the narrator.  I thought that your use of italics for “girl” was especially effective, too.  It gives readers an emotional jolt throughout the narrator’s recollection of processing this sobering reality, and her (I’m sure somewhat deservedly) blaming of this young lady for the outcome of her and her family’s suffering.  There was plenty of good exposition, great details offered while setting up the scene (especially toward the beginning), and all lent itself to creating this cohesive picture and mood for your characters and conflict to develop in.  My personal favorite line, to this end, was “the harsh snow kissed passerbyers on the cheek in greeting.”  Wow.  I could write a truckload just on that line, but I will resist J  Finally, the “counting” aspect of things in the last half of the piece was, in my opinion, an extremely effective device, too.  It was a brilliant way to pit the rapid “cave in” of this young woman’s family life with the long, drawn-out, and on-going experience of its after-effects.  All in all, your writing was clean, emotive, evocative (especially of emotion), and cohesive as a whole.  It was truly a powerful telling of this “snapshot” of the narrator’s life, and I really enjoyed it.  I hope that you keep writing, Sabrina!  It’s in your blood!!

More of Gabrielle's Reviews

Gabrielle Lovisa

November 1, 2020

Sabrina’s Story, “Only Cowards Say Sorry Over the Phone”

Sabrina,

First of all, I just wanted to say that you are an incredible writer. Your pieces are always some of my favorites to read and I always find myself feeling very moved after reading them. This story in particular was very powerful and moving. I love your attention to detail and how much thought you put into setting up the scene of your story. I also love the figurative language that you utilized throughout, making the story more intriguing and fun to read. In the beginning, I felt like the story flowed very nicely and incorporated a very indifferent tone, yet hit a breaking point at the line stating, “And then my phone rang.” From there on out, I noticed a huge shift in tone and could literally feel the tension rising. This turning point in your writing really took me by surprise and despite the anger and frustration that was vocalized, I really found myself engaging fully and loving this part of your writing. You did not hold back at all and delivered so much power, especially when describing the girl that the father had cheated on the mother with. Along with this, I also really enjoyed reading the last paragraph. The shift from the initial few paragraphs to the final paragraph was a clear representation of how much this situation impacted the narrator. By the way, great use of first person! All in all, I loved this story and can’t wait to hear/read what you write next!

November 6th & 13th

Sydney’s Story, “Drown My Fear Till You All Just Disappear”

Sydney, 

I’m really intrigued by your story! It started off pretty slow and simple but quickly escalated into something I don’t think anyone could really see coming! I like how the first half painted a very relatable picture of a family - it reminded me a lot of a typical Sunday afternoon in my own house to be quite honest...dad watching football nonstop. Then when the snakes started slithering in and what not, I was so caught off guard - in a good way though! At this point, the story took a very eerie turn and I felt like there was so much going on at one time. The best part though is how well all of the chaos of everything happening worked! I was a little confused towards the end with the vortex and everything, but the word choice you utilized and the way you described everything in such great detail was amazing! Great job. 

Rachel’s Story, “The Call”

Rachel, 

Once again, your writing has left me stunned! You always write so beautifully and present such new, fresh ideas. To be honest, this is probably my favorite piece of writing that I have heard/read of yours. The way you describe certain settings, such as the woods in this case, are always so in depth and unique. Personally, I really liked your use of internal dialogue throughout the duration of your story - it made it feel like I was getting an inside look into the experience that the narrator was enduring. I also loved the eerie, uncertain pictures that you were painting throughout the story, as well. I literally got chills towards the end where the narrator was fearing for their life; I felt like I was right there with her. Finally, I of course loved that you added in the dog, Scout, as the counterpart. You created such great characters for this story!

Blake’s Story, “The Woods”

Blake,

Wow! This story is incredible. I love how you started off by painting a picture of the current situation, and then transition into a flashback that the narrator begins to experience. There’s a clear essence of childhood innocence that lingers throughout the entirety of the story which is almost hard to come to terms with. The fact that the narrator and so many other children were kidnapped, yet the young narrator is consoling the other kids and trying to make sense of the situation. The story was very difficult to read towards the middle/end because it felt so real. The last paragraph in particular was pretty terrifying to read...once again you painted such a descriptive, clear picture of the disturbing situation. It was especially scary to read about the cloaked figures chanting and doing strange ritualistic practices; I literally felt like I was there living vicariously through the lens of the narrator. Wonderful job.

 

McGwire’s Story, “OUTBURST” 

McGwire,

I really like this story! It was very different from any other story I’ve read so far, and I really enjoyed the medieval-esque vibes. The word choice you utilized and the pictures you painted throughout the duration of the story were absolutely wonderful! Stories involving knights and medieval themes are not typically my scene, but I was definitely drawn into this one and found the dialogue very intriguing. I liked the unique names you used for the characters - I also enjoyed the fact that each character had a distinct personality that you made very clear for the reader. I can definitely tell that this is a story that could continue on past the short word limit we were given for this assignment, and I’m curious as to how this story would continue to progress if you were to write more! Overall, I think this was a great story and I always enjoy reading your writing!

Chase’s Story, “The Burnout”

Chase,

I always enjoy reading your writing. It’s very mature and straight to the point with what it is you are trying to convey. You described the narrator and their situation so well that I literally felt as though I was in their head experiencing the situation first hand. You also painted a wonderful picture of the bar environment, to the point that I could see absolutely every detail playing out as I was listening/reading. I feel like we all experience some sort of form of “burnout” in our lives, so this story was very easy for me to relate to. I especially liked the part where the narrator responded with “fine” when asked how they were, even though they obviously were not fine. This was kind of a turning point in the story, where the narrator was beginning to realize that they are more disconnected from life than they even realized. This was a great piece of writing, per usual! 

 

Claire’s Reviews

 

Story 2

 

Gabrielle,

I don’t know if you did this intentionally, but I like the song references “another one bites the dust” from the title, and “party like it’s 1999” from the first few lines, very cool. I liked that it ends on a cliff hanger and a more positive note, like it seems as if things are looking a little more in her favor. There’s some really strong dialogue and the story provokes a lot of emotion. I definitely start to feel bad for the girl speaking and I think choosing to write from her perspective makes it even stronger. This is a really unique idea and I liked the direction you took it, overall, a really fun story, especially for this length. 

 

Story 1  

 

Quinn N,

I found this story really cute! It almost reminded me of a princess movie where two guys are fighting for her attention. I wasn’t as into the story before the fight, but once the other guy entered and drew a sword it instantly had my attention. I found a lot of the dialogue witty and I liked the repetition when he’s confessing his love for Maria. I really want to know what Ricardo was going to say to her and I like that you left it on a cliffhanger. The emotions were very clear and made it easier to understand the story and the goals of the characters. The bilingual aspects of the story added to the setting and provided some unspoken background on the characters. Overall, I found it fun and could see this scene in a play/movie. 

 

Gabrielle,

I instantly loved this story just by the title, “The Most Important Meal of the Day”. This is such a relatable scene where everything is overwhelming in the kitchen as everyone tries to get ready and people are yelling over one another. The emotion is very clear and it’s easy to sympathize with the mother and her child as they try to comfort her. There’s some cute aspects where they laugh over little things like the cinnamon rolls that bring back the heartwarming feeling that proves it’s a good family. It’s bittersweet in all the right ways and truly brings me into this person's life. Even the little details like when the character tells the time, make this such a great story. Overall, the word choice, tone, and dialogue made this such a fun read. 

 

Blake,

This story was really fun to read because it reminded me of a futuristic war like something from the “Hunger Games” or “The 100”. The scared emotions all of the characters are feeling are portrayed very vividly and I feel especially bad for the little boy who’s crying for his mom. I also thought there was a good separation between the thought from the past and the current situation. There were a couple parts where I was mentally bombarded with all the questions and dialogue which gave a strong insite to the way the character was feeling. I also appreciated the first person way of writing because it truly brought me into the active scene. Even though the main character isn’t described in much detail, I could easily picture them as a strong authority figure because of how the other characters look to them for help. Overall, it was really neat and I’d like to see what else was about to happen. 

 

Chase,

I instantly loved this story. The first two sentences are so strong and very true; like such an unusual way to describe a barstool, but I liked it a lot. The setting of this poem and the conversation between the two guys seems very clear to understand. I like the joke about the Mule as well. This story highlights all the raw and bittersweet feelings the average working-class person might feel and I liked how relatable it is. For a story about something as simple as ordering a drink at the bar and talking about work, it provokes a lot of emotion. There’s a lot of aspects of this story that leave me wondering about this man’s life and what’s missing from it. Overall, I thought it was a really strong story for such a simple topic. 

*

Rachel's new reviews

STORY 1

Quinn C. – “Costa Rican Lovers”

Hey Quinn!  So, your story “Costa Rican Lovers” was seriously one of my favorite short stories to far…just because it’s so well done in this over the top, romance-adventure-comedy, “Princess-Bride-esque” sort of way.  The tone is hilariously but sentimentally tongue-in-cheek from the onset—the beautiful young lovers with unmatched affections, Ricardo having won Maria with “charm and altruism which helps Maria forget all about her hardships.”  The third person omniscient perspective gives the reader the impression of being told a tale at bedtime, though the narrator at no time gives us any indication that we should take him seriously.  The dialogue of the characters is well crafted, solidifying what we learn about them in the narrator’s introduction, and is perfectly placed to set up the conflict.  The segue into action was head-spinningly rapid, but felt completely appropriate for the story.  I agree with Professor Lee that this piece was a very good example of economy in writing—there are so few words and so much action, but we never feel like we are lacking anything that we need to process or enjoy the story.  That’s really difficult to accomplish, and you’ve done a fantastic job at it.  I also loved how you peppered the tale with these quirkily intelligent word selections, like “protestation.”  I felt like that really added to the flavor of the piece, and made it all the more amusing. I felt like there was just enough descriptive imagery to complement the action that was going on, too—not too much and not too little.  The dual was positively the most entertaining part of the story…especially the dialogue between the gentlemen.  “…I stab you with the sharpened end, right?”  Ha!  I literally laughed out loud in this section…more than once :~D  What we assume to be Ricardo’s proposal after the slaying of David was truly the perfect ending to such a piece.  Terribly unrealistic, super-sappy, hilariously sentimental…AND I continue to find myself asking if Maria is truly “swept up” in Ricardo’s romantic gestures, or whether she’s merely tolerating them.  Ha ha!  It is everything we expect, and it is sublime.  J  The only suggestion I could possibly offer for improvement is just a bit more proof reading to improve on flow and clarity, but when I heard the story read (instead of reading it myself on the page) these issues weren’t detectable.  You are truly a performer and entertainer Quinn!!

 

Stephanie E. – “With Love, Charlie”

Hey Stephanie!  I am probably going to be repeating myself a lot from class, but here we go.  This story was so entertaining, on so many levels.   The way that it begins sets up our expectations for the tale very well…this sort of tongue-in-cheek somberness of a grade school child considering the shortcomings of an over-commercialized holiday experience.  It definitely has Charlie Brown vibes.  As we continue to read this first-person narrative, though, we recognize that we are going to get a much more “grown up” behind-the-scenes view than the Peanuts would offer us, into just what made this boy so anti-Valentine.  The beginning dialogue and subsequent paragraph of narration work really well to establish empathy in the reader for this little duo—both damaged by a relational break, but each dealing with it in their own unique ways.  You did really well at including detail that evoked the setting as well—lukewarm Hawaiian Punch, message written with expo marker that started losing ink halfway through—it was so very believable that we almost feel as if we’re there with him.  (The “you’re the peanut butter to my jelly” line had me laughing out loud.  Haha!)  At first, the conflict seems fairly straightforward—this kid is going to have to muster through the motions that other kiddos enjoy, but that only serve to remind him of the voids in his personal life.  Voids in his family life at home, voids in his social life at school (we assume because of his quirky intelligence).  But the addition of the outcast-ish young lady at the end was a fairly ingenious way to usher in an avenue for resolution—even if in a minor sense.  In the boy’s small gesture of kindness—while still attempting to accommodate the values that his father (we learn) has instilled in him—shows us the spark of hope that we are waiting for.  “I knew it!”  we say.  “There IS some softness under that wall of pretense and negativity!”  haha.  This needy little thing, and his response to her pain, gives our character the push that he needs to engage in the holiday—in the most meaningful of ways J  All in all, your writing is clean, and your plot rich and thought-provoking, while simultaneously amusing.  Very smart, very wholesome.  It was very well done!  Bravo!!

 

STORY 2

Claire – “Journey”

Hi Claire!  Your story, “Journey,” was a great piece in so many ways.  I loved how you set up an expectation (with the title and the beginning lines) of an actual “journey,” physically speaking—but as we read on and the exposition is broadened, we realize that the true journey is an emotional one for our protagonist…a spiritual one, if you will…to finding the love of his life.  This idea is only enriched by the band appearance, by the same name, later in the story.  You did a really great job at setting the scene with great detail and evocative imagery, too, and really did well to pit the “everyday” of the character’s life in the opening lines against the “extraordinary” in his meetings with this red-haired beauty.  I thought the dialogue was really natural, flowing, and fitting where it was used, as well. The first person narrative gave a great vantage point for the telling of the tale, and furnished us with a lot of great inner dialogue, which made the character believable.  “I noticed she smelled of cheap perfume and I was quickly getting drunk on it.”  I so love that line!  And I love how it sets up an expectation (for me at least) that is completely thwarted by what’s revealed about her in the subsequent dialogue.  This is a wholesome, picket fence kind of girl—not at all the easy and sleazy type that the perfume comment may have predisposed us to thinking.  Haha!  The sense of the passing of time was really natural too, and I thought that you did a good job of pacing things, and making the scenes flow naturally into one another.  A final detail I’d like to point out is the way that you sort of mirrored the main conflict—the character feeling as if he’d “failed at life,” so early into it—in the opening lines by his descriptions of the mediocrity of his daily routine.  In both cases, this woman interrupts his gloom, and presents herself (unwittingly, obviously) as the resolution to his dilemma!  I thought that was really cleaver.  Overall, the story was sweet, wholesome, and very cleanly written.  The only way I could think to suggest improvement is perhaps balancing things out a bit with a hint of imperfection here and there—for the sake of believability.  It was a great love story, at any rate, and I’m looking forward to what you’ll hatch up next! J

Short Story 2 Critiques by Paige

 

For Rachel:

As I said in class, I THOUGHT this was going to be one of those bittersweet stories where the girl shows her inner strength by telling a boy who treated her like trash to leave her alone. Thus, cutting ties with him (rightfully so). BUT NOPE. And I think that’s the point of the story. Just like Jenna, the readers are led into a false sense of security. But everything is put in place. There is not a loose end in this story between the new phone number and all the weird things “Sam” says in the text interactions. We don’t even get a description of the guy, and the change is so sudden. I think that might be because of the format you wrote the story in (all dialogue, which is an impressive feat). Overall, the story lures you in with what looks to be a nice empowering story. But then it punches you in the gut.

Thank you for punching me in the gut with your powerful dialogue and story.

 

For Quinn N.:

Wow, what a start to this story. Instantly diving into the plot while giving almost nothing away. Also, I totally understand the beginning with the angry customer. As someone who works in fast food, this spoke to me on almost a spiritual level. I could HEAVILY relate to the whole wanting-to-get-out-of-there-as-soon-as-possible feeling the main character felt and got to experience by taking out the recycling. The freaky inner voice is actually creepy. Reading the dialogue, and especially the scene with the drainage pipe, sent chills down my spine so well done. And the abrupt turn the story takes is like whiplash on a rollercoaster, BUT IN THE BEST WAY. I liked this dark turn. You don’t expect it because you don’t want it to happen. But then it does. And my goodness is that a way to kill someone. I have to applaud you even though its sickening. You really know how to weave a story. And each story is better than the last. This may be my favorite one yet. I love the dialogue, the setting, how grounded in reality it seems despite the sudden shift in genre with the inner voice and the murder.

Really just… well done!

Paige's Story 1 reviews

Critiques for Short Story 1

For Sabrina:

This short story of yours really hit me hard with feelings. You capture perfect raw emotions for this story in each character. You set the scene in the first few sentences rather well, giving us a sense of who the main character is and their disposition. Really overall a nice setup for what eventually happens, which is of course the phone call. What caught me off guard was that it was someone close to the family. In fact, a friend of the main character’s. It was a detail I almost liked if it wasn’t so disgusting. I think I liked it because it seemed more personal for the main character of the story. She felt more roped into the affair than if it had been someone outside of her friend circle.

The ending also leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. Repairing and healing is good, but you can tell the attempts made by the parents does nothing for our main character. And it’s pretty sad. Once again, conveying raw emotions. And I love that.

 

For Rachel:

I loved this story. I see the main character as a young child, maybe around ten. It gives me Stranger Things vibes, which is one of my favorite shows. But I think my favorite character was the ever-loyal dog companion Scout. There was always something interesting happening with Scout and he overall spiced up the story. The air of mystery around the forest the main character is exploring was incredibly immersive. It was breathing with life and seemed like a real forest I could walk into. Other than Scout, the setting stole the show. There were parts where I was held in suspense. I was hanging off every word, desperately reading sentence after sentence to find out what would happen next. Not often that stories have that effect on me, so that was refreshing. The fact that we don’t even see the main character return home at the end really fascinated me. I thought it was a bold move… but really the right call to make. Seeing the end in a story that was teeming with mystery would actually ruin it, and I’m sure you knew that. So nicely done!

 

For Chase:

A very short and simple story, I’d say. But it did its job beautifully. I think the simplicity was my favorite aspect of this tale you’ve spun. Almost like one of those slice-of-life tv episodes. I like the dumb job at the beginning. It lightens the mood and brings some life to the characters. Dialogue is always important in a story, and you certainly nailed that aspect. Also calling everyone else “ghosts” was an excellent choice of words (man, I really like ghost description stuff, I guess. Really just my soft spot when somebody puts that in their story). There’s not much to critique because I do like this story and it’s simple beauty. The ending lines may be my favorite part (“The air was thin and cold. Cold enough to remind you that one day you would die. And nothing makes a man feel more alive.”). I can’t really comprehend why I like it. But it is one of the best things I’ve ever read. Seriously, these are beautiful lines. So thank you for blessing my eyes with those lines.

 

For Stephanie:

I love how this story dissects the weirdness that is celebrating Valentine’s Day, especially in elementary school. Not going to lie though, I thought it was Christmas at first. I don’t think I read and connected things in my brain at first because I was skimming. But now that I understand it is not Christmas, I like it more. I want more Valentine’s Day representation in writing because its often overlooked. I like how at the beginning the main character shows knowledge most children don’t appear to have. And this is sprinkled throughout the story! Instantly we get a taste of the personality of this main character, and they are definitely a smart aleck. But I also like the act of compassion towards Cynthia. It shows another side to the main character, the soft side underneath the tougher exterior. Overall, a good story that I enjoyed. I would definitely read it again.

 

For Quinn N.:

This story was probably my favorite thing you have written so far. I thoroughly enjoyed every aspect of it. The mystery with Jackie Nevarro and the clifftop that she’s found on is incredible writing. You don’t even reveal what’s happening; the reader is left to wonder what happened to her. It seems supernatural, but it could also be many other things. (she definitely folded hamburger style no one can tell me otherwise) The ascent to the mysterious cliffside where Jackie falls is probably my favorite part. It’s a preparation for what’s to come and does its job perfectly. I like the small-town vibes of this story. It reminded me a lot of one of my favorite novels with the small-town vibes and supernatural(?) mystery around it.

I loved this story. And I definitely think you should consider sending it to some publishing company so it can get out there. I would love to see it become a more well-known story so others can see its beauty. Well done.

*

Critiques by Kassaundra Metzger (all of them, just because why not stick them all together?)

Poem Two Critiques

Stephanie: “Is it, though? How safe is what I swore to take to the grave?” Is a fantastic line. I love how she depicts the feeling of therapy when you’re still new to it, new to the therapist and the whole practice. The feeling of debating whether you truly can say everything you’re feeling without being betrayed in some way is something intimate and specific to therapy and I think she incapsulated it perfectly.

 

Quinn C.: Quinn’s poem is incredibly unique. From the great rhyming and all the different fonts is a little distracting at first until you realize the purpose behind them. He wrote out the dialogue  distinctively and I enjoy how it all oddly fits together.

 

Claire: The way she describes depression and the reminiscing of childhood when it’s really bad is incredibly relatable and beautifully written. “I used to find such beauty in uncertainties, Now throwing me for a whirlwind of obstacles.” is one line I feel like stood out to me, because it shows how growing up and maturing changes your perspective of things you used to enjoy as a child and how depression can warp how you think. She did really good.

 

Nora: I like how out of the ordinary this story is. The way she describes the insecurity the woman is experiencing, language in parts like “Do you notice your favorite color red on my nails? Confirm the beauty in what I painted.” It’s very well-written and I enjoy the story to it.

 

 

Sydney: The way the scene is portrayed in such specific detail makes the imagery amazing in this poem. I love how Syd made you feel like you were in that room with the woman while the narrator debated with themself and fled. “With emerald eyes lit by smoldering flames” is powerfully written, making it easy to picture a face with those eyes looking at you. Well done.

 

 

Paige: I love the language she used. It was very descriptive and helped the imagery so you could see what she was writing about. “I hit the TV’s buttons. Maybe too hard. Anger was better at control than me.” is a great line because you can clearly feel the character’s contempt. Great writing.

 

Amanda: I really like how Amanda wrote this one. Well, I like most of hers, she’s a good writer. The way she plays on the fact that our prompt was a painting while making it seem as though the woman talking has body issues and isn’t being entirely serious is very clever. “I’m going crazy, I think I live in a goddamn picture.” Is the line that stood out to me because it that’s what gave you the impression that she’s almost self-aware, even though she’s not being literal.

 

Poem Three Critiques

Stephanie: I like how hers is put together. The combo of timelines, the scared yet hopeless romantic language, the imagery. The line, “You spend your formative years touch-starved, attention-starved, do the very worst to your untouched body and even worse than that to your unloved soul” tells of how desperate you feel the need to feel loved and hoping someone will “see your worth”. Stephanie wrote this very well.

Claire: Claire’s poem is well-written and beautiful. It’s youthful as a childhood, and I like it. “My care bear sneakers could barely keep up.” It’s sentimental and sweet with the thought process of wondering how other people live. I enjoyed reading it a lot.

 

Nora: I appreciate the message of this poem. I love the idea of being able to connect with people even with a language barrier. It’s a fantastic meaning and something I would love to do personally. “I realized without language I was still able to connect.”

 

Sydney: I love the simplicity and romanticism of Syd’s poem. “And wished, for a moment, that my life were like that.” We’ve all had moments where we have wished something in our lives was better and this poem does a very good job of portraying that. Not to mention, I also appreciate the Jojo reference.

 

Amanda: I will admit, this isn’t my favorite thing that Amanda has written. It’s well-written, descriptive, and put together nicely, I feel like the content and idea of the object of the girl’s affections being an anti-depressant throws me off. The language is very imaginative and great, though I can’t look past that part.

 

 

Story One Critiques

 

Quinn C.: Quinn has a very unique way of writing. The way he sets the scene and writes the dialogue fits it all so well and gives a very specific style to the story. I must admit, hearing him read it made the story go over the top for me. It’s witty and funny while also being entertaining. I really liked this story.

 

Claire: While this might be one of the stereotypical breakup stories, it’s well-written enough that it stands out. I enjoy the way this is written, the way the setting is portrayed perfectly. “As painful as the moment was, I wasn’t ready for it to end.” is the line that stands out the most to me because of the fact that it’s really relatable.

 

Sydney: I LOVE this story. The way it starts off completely normal before taking the turn to the surreal and creepy is amazingly well done. The genre feels like one of its own, and Syd does great at it.

 

Paige: The conversation is fitting; she explains the characters’ dynamic well without it being explicitly told. The description of the setting makes you feel like you’re there because it’s put together so well. It fits together perfectly and descriptively; I enjoy this story a lot.

 

Amanda: I feel like Amanda’s first story fits perfectly with the mood we’re all living in today. Not a lot changes and everyday feels the exact same. I enjoy the writing, though I like the last line the most: “I go home and eat. I prepare myself for the next day. Repeat.” Her writing fits the theme and expresses the mood perfectly, well done.

Stephanie's reviews (select)

Quinn C’s “The Rhythmic Ranger”

This short story by Quinn was entirely endearing, with its musical flow and rhyming, kitschy structure. It reminded me, in subject matter, of The Music Man meets a Dr Suess story. It was charming and Quinn’s vocal delivery of the story only added to it’s brilliant storytelling. Quinn did an excellent job building a world and supplying a perfect visual through alliteration, rhyming, and dialogue that warrants re-reading to pick up fun subtleties. Having the story told in the point of view of a common bystander/a member of the mob was a unique and bold choice, but I believe it paid off well. The line “To pay, please patiently place your paper in my prodigious pale pail.” spoken by Bridget Ball reminds me so much of Lemony Snicket’s use of alliteration for cheeky and mundane observations/items in the quirky universe. I adore this piece personally.

 

Claire’s “Just Wait”

            I really enjoyed Claire’s sonnet. In my head, I could picture it being told from the point of view of a parent to a child, perhaps after the latter has gone through their first juvenile heartbreak. It’s a hopeful piece, romantic without being sappy and motivating without being over the top or cheesy. Bookending the piece with the same line really wrapped it up nicely, I believe. The pair of lines, You’ll thank God for every crappy card you were dealt / Finally understanding all that pain you once felt was particularly moving - the feeling of renewal after falling in love one day, the shedding of a pained past and thanking the unknown for the intangible. It is a tenderhearted poem. The only line that took me just slightly out of the ambiance was the scientist finding a cure. The comparison makes sense, but it just feels a little stark against the flowery language that precedes and follows it. Otherwise, this is a lovely piece.

 

Nora’s “Out of Touch”

            A significant part of my endearment toward this poem lies with the visual at the top, and it’s allusion to discovery ( cavemen vs fire and modern society vs modern technology ). The first person point of view adds to the helplessness the narrator feels in watching their loved ones succumb to the allure of technology. I really like that the poem starts with ‘I’ as the main subject, and then halfway through shifts to ‘you’, or the reader of the piece. It’s almost threatening, like a cautionary tale of what may come if the ‘addiction’ takes over. The poem finishes back in first person, the narrator begrudgingly accepting and abiding by the unspoken rules that the internet and social media have created. Nora does an excellent job exploring this inner turmoil. Her use of short sentences is perfect for communicating 1. The speed with which the technology takes over and 2. The harried pace with which the narrator is trying to stand against the influence.

 

 Paige’s “Project: Incognito”

            I really enjoyed this one of Paige’s pieces. It is not the first/only one of Paige’s pieces to allude to heroism and secret agents/missions/identities. The first line of dialogue, “Do you find me graceful yet?”, is such a great introduction to the world and the characters we’ll be following. It is mysterious and whimsical and alluring, and the cliffhanger ending compliments the draw-in of that first line. Paige builds a world with her writing, wherein I can visualize the characters and their surroundings in a way that maintains intrigue. During workshop, Paige informed us all that this is part of a bigger piece, and I’d love to know how it ends. That said, this is a rewarding glimpse into it. In her delivery, as well, she gave inclination to the voice each character would have, and the mischief in the dialogue. The line I had always thought vigilantes pledged themselves to the night and moon. Apparently not this one. She pledged herself under the sun. “Suntouched”, they called her really stood out to me for it’s almost romanticism and humorous spin on the cliche we’ve come to expect of superhero stories.

 

Sydney’s “Drown My Fear Till You All Just Disappear”

            My only real critique on this piece is the title seems unfitting for the story and it’s subject matter. I know during our workshop she said she got the inspiration from a song by the same name, but I almost wish the title were as mundane as the story pretends to be in the beginning. That said, I am infatuated with this story. The gore is unexpected, the twists and turns are unacknowledged by the characters, which lends to the surprise, and the dialogue going uninterrupted by the strange and unreal unraveling in the space is so funny and exciting. I reread this story multiple times, so charmed by the writing style and Sydney’s way of writing the disturbing and unsettling in such a nonchalant way - as opposed to being over the top and for shock factor, this story reads as quirky and fun, when it could just as easily be a shock piece.

 

Elyia’s ‘Ok, Spaceman”

This piece blew me away, even a few reads later. I enjoyed it’s use of language and imagery. The sardonic tone that ‘so this genius’ gives in the opening line against the romantic allusions in the rest of the poem are stark but complimentary. The line ‘I could pop the hood of his clunky white star-ship, cook snowflakes on a rattling engine, protoplanetary debris and rocksalt flaking away at the rims’ stuck with me for a good while afterward, for it’s fantastic use of absurd imagery. There is also great alliteration sprinkled throughout the poem: ‘A push and we plummet, piercing’ or ‘clovers climbing his pelvic crest’ flow so easily into the piece’s natural diction, the melody is only strengthened. The structure of the poem, as well, lends to the scattered structure of the story being told. The use of space-related allusions and flowers/nature opposing it draws two completely different mediums of comparison into one piece that reads beautifully.

 

Quinn N’s “As Above So Below”

            It’s no secret that Quinn is an excellent writer, and this short story was fantastic. It starts mundane, with a touch of pleasant cynicism that any retail employee will recognize. I really love that the entity that possesses the narrator is never given a name, a face, or a reason for seeking the narrator out. The ambiguity lends to the horror. The shift from ‘I’ to ‘we’ after the entity takes over is subtle, but excellent in emphasizing the detached outside influence making the narrator commit the horrible act that follows. This is IT meets Paranormal Activity, written beautifully. The line It’s like trying to grab a cloud of sand in open water. Like I know it’s there and I can almost capture it if I could just… it’s gone, again. Well. There you go. is conversational in its structure, but haunting in its implication of helplessness.