MORE POEM REVIEWS ....
Amanda's reviews
Quinn N’s Limbic System
Quinn’s work has so far let
us into such an imaginative mind, which I really appreciate as an imaginative
person. Her last poem and this poem have a tendency to use very large and other
worldly words to create imagery. I really like this aspect of her poetry,
however, I think sometimes when the wording is really heavy, readers can get
lost. Personally, I didn’t have a major problem with that, but my roommate was
reading some poems listed on the class blog and that was one thing she noted
that I do happen to agree with. I think as english majors we overlook this
because we like using such vast
language, but it can make a poem harder to understand, therefore diminishing
the meaning. I like the small drops of alliteration in Limbic System, like
“sandpaper swollen,” “chorused the cult,” “sharpening of swords,” etc, makes
the poem even more memorable. Overall, I really cherish how you let listeners
inside your mind and don’t let the strange or messy thoughts get in the way,
when in reality, it heightens your poems. It’s something I need to work on and
I’m taking note of that, so I value the way you write those ideas effortlessly.
Kassaundra’s A First Draft
I love your title. Simple,
but lays out what the poem means. You also took a different approach to the
poem than I did, you peered outside of it while mine was from the inside. I
really like your idea, I can picture this just being said in someone’s head
while seeing Hodgkin’s painting in a museum. It’s relatable and yet very
personal. I also like how certain lines had more than one sentence,
experimenting with writing in that way is something I have yet to try. Since
you made the poem so relatable, my only wish is that you made it more personal
to you vs any reader. Of course,
readers love feeling involved in the writing process, but, if you told us why
you felt “unfinished,” “mistake layered on mistake,” “always judged,” etc, this
could’ve been a lot more memorable and personal to you, plus, it could give a
story to the woman in the painting. Of course, that’s just a me thing, it’s
still a great poem without it.
Li’s Black Ice
I’ll start off blunt, I
have no idea what this means, but I love that. That’s one of the best parts of
writing, you get to make it your own, and screw anybody who doesn’t get it. The
word usage is so creepy and grotesque, even though I may not fully comprehend
the meaning of the poem, I still sense that tone. One thing I’ve noticed pretty
consistently with your poetry is that you’re extremely original. Now, because I
couldn’t really grasp how the poem relates to the painting, doesn’t mean that
it’s not there. You experimenting with your writing is something I need to work
on myself. Very interesting piece of writing.
Gabrielle’s Learning to Swim
Gabrielle, this is a very
personal poem. Those are my favorite, when it gives insight about the poet and
lets the reader into their life. While it was personal, you did a great job of
connecting it to the readers as well. I was able to understand exactly what was
happening, but what was happening was very personal to you! I myself struggle
with making poetry for me, but still connecting it to the readers. I love that
you followed this long metaphor of swimming (and the fear of it). 10/10.
Blake’s Undersized Coach
Blake, I really like this
poem. It might be one of my favorites. Especially, ESPECIALLY this line, “I
despise the words that flow untold for I know what is to be done I know how
this product is sold.” I swear, reading that outloud satisfied me in ways I
cannot explain. The flow of that is amazing, and it’s the middle line so it
fits perfectly!! The concept is very readable, dealing with mental health
issues, but concealing it (even to yourself). My only thing is I wish I
understood how the title fit the poem. It could just be a personal thing that I
don’t understand, but it’s a very unique title nonetheless. The rhythm and word
usage was great, you created a poem that could be well understood and was
personal to you!!!
Nora’s The Shift
I think this is a really
interesting poem. My favorite line has to be “Do you notice your favorite color
red on my nails? Confirm the beauty in what I painted.” I find myself doing the
same thing, trying to find ways to impress someone who doesn’t want me or I’m
using just to entertain my time. I really like the imagery you use as well, the
change of color in the dress, or even how you wrote the setting of the poem.
You’ve created a very personal, interesting story meant to let readers feel the
hardships of love. It’s so realistic, then there’s this scene of something
tugging at you, intertwining, clashing, quivers, etc. I feel like those words
are so vivid like I’m watching a movie or looking at a painting while reading
it, I can sincerely imagine those words. It sounds like the inside of someone’s
mind during a romantic movie, overall, good work.
Rachel’s Searching for Diamonds
Rachel, I absolutely adore
the last stanza of this poem, I just had to start out by saying that. It’s a
quote that wouldn’t necessarily fit the rest of the writing before it, but, it
does tie together the poem really well! If I have this correct, the poem is
about the analysis of Hodgkin’s work. The speaker is right, it’s bold and ugly
and strange, but, perhaps the best of things are, hence, the rocks at the end
of the poem. It’s a great way of explaining the painting because it’s weird,
but it’s so good at the same time. I love the tone of it as well, it’s a great
way of explaining what can and can’t be considered art, and I think the message
is that even “bad” things should be art. Overall, I think it’s a wonderful poem
and the idea you were trying to execute came across well!
Rachel
Geist's new reviews (9/4/20)
Elyria –
Hi Li! Wow…this poem. First of all, the title is really interesting,
and I think is befitting of the overall coldness and severity of the message
inside. The metaphor of the wasp
recurring throughout the piece is really an effective way of evoking the sort
of sleek, cool, yet heartless (and painful…to love?) personage that is
described. I loved that you opened with
these the gut-wrenching images in the first four lines as well…they do a lot to
set things up emotionally for the rest of the poem. Your creative use of language in the next
five lines really complement the first, as well, as this juxtaposition of human
and insect (for the [assumed] male figure) changes to human and animal (for the
[assumed] female)…but this girl’s still human enough to scoff at
inauthenticity. Even if it means
exposure to the cold! I really loved the
bit about “I would thrash and bite before I shed…” There’s just something so
empowered about that statement, and those lines. But the tenderness that follows in the next
lines offsets this toughness with a “tender exhale,” and images of this same
girl trying to breathe life back into this creature / person represented by the
wasp (again?). There’s a real struggle
that I feel here…. An osculation
between, “I’ve had enough” and “I’m going to try one more time…” The lines “I uncurtained the crushed crystal
of this skyline and collected the light that bled from it, but never held it
long.” Wow. My favorite lines….Very beautifully
written. And you made me feel the
speaker here in a way that I hadn’t felt her before then. (Forgive me if I’m assuming wrong on the sex
of the characters btw.) The following images…the stinging, freezing, darkness,
sorrow, withdrawal….all solidifies what was so graphically and poetically
foretold in the prior stanzas. This
collection of recollections all sort of leads us to an inevitable and terminal conclusion
of the relationship…yes? I read those
final lines as an admission to self, of sorts.
Like a “tenderness can’t tame every wild beast” sort of confession—and
one that I think so many of us (especially women!) can relate to. Overall, this is a very evocative,
interesting, and well-written poem, Li. I
really can’t think of any way you could improve it!
Angeles – Hey Angeles! I have
to say that I thought your untitled poem was such a good representation of this
piece of art. Haha!! No disrespect
intended to the artist, of course…but it is all at once a portrayal of
ugliness, gaudiness, mental not-rightness (although this woman’s not-rightness in
your poem seems to be her feigning mental illness for attention). I feel like a lot of your language, from the
beginning— ”storming inside,” “hair fluffed from the humid weather,” etc—gives
us a feel for this woman’s entitled pettiness before we even leave the
introductory couplet. The second couplet gives us an expected (although not
entirely devoid of earnest feeling) plop-and-spill scenario, where we are
tempted to eye-roll along with the (assumed) therapist, mentally labeling her
as a fraud. At least for me, though, I’m
a bit inclined to feel sorry for her too…especially as our initial perceptions
are confirmed in the following lines; prestige, money, lack of friends. While at the beginning of the poem I was
feeling in line with this man’s assessment of her, wanting to brush off her dramatic
complaints of the “demon’s gaining control,” I started to feel a bit defensive
for her as you moved the scene along. When
the man watched her, sorted his reports, line them up, judged her “scene.” The language of line ups and scenes here,
especially (I’m not sure if this was fully intentional) made me feel like this
woman was on trial. “Yes, she’s petty,”
we want to say, “but she’s paying you to help for goodness sake! She needs a friend!!” We’re almost at a place of complete
hopelessness for her by the time we get to the end…when the last line states
the obvious, and re-affirms how truly empty her life is. Her heavy pockets and flashy lifestyle could
not afford her a single friend. Not even
a paid one. Overall, I feel like the simplicity
of the diction, the abundance of end-stops throughout, and the descriptions of
the characters (the bizarreness of both of them, really) are just an excellent
companion to the painting itself. The
only thing that I could think to suggest for improvement is comma placement
here and there, to indicate when you would pause when reading, and a second
look at end punctuation. (I don’t know
if the question mark was intentional…?
You didn’t read it that way in class.)
It was a great poem, though, and I enjoyed reading it! Thanks for sharing!!
Chase –
Hey Chase! Wow….what can I say about this poem that
would do it justice. It’s just so
relatable! I don’t know if there’s a
single one of us who hasn’t been that guy opening the door for a needy friend,
to come in and help himself to our couch and our shoulder. I think that’s what I love most about
it. It’s just so familiar. I also love
how the shortness of the sentences, and the details (like the time of day),
give readers the feeling that they are literally listening to the thoughts of
the speaker, as well. A really
distinctive way to establish voice. I feel
like your opening couplet sets an empathetic (and perhaps a bit resentful) sort
of tone to the poem as well, quite beautifully really, as this accommodating
young man opens his home and his very self to the calling friend. We feel a sense of obligation in the scenario
when you write of the “niceties exchanged,” and that feeling is strengthened as
we go along…he tries to lift spirits,
to pay attention to this umpteenth sad story.
But there’s a void in the speaker that isn’t being satisfied in return—“will
anyone ever hear mine?” I feel like the
play on words in the next line is perfect, too: “my mind wanders to the cabinet
where I keep my good spirits.” Loved
that. It literally makes us feel that
isolation, that neglect....although it seems to be a bit self-inflicted. WE hear him voice his needs because we are in
his head, and yet what he SAYS to his friend is “elaborate.” In the end, when the beer is gone, only one who’s
feeling in good spirits is the one who got to offload his emotional baggage. The irony of the line “my friend leaves
feeling all is in balance” is quite nice here as well, as it’s clear how
grossly imbalanced this friendly exchange has been. The last line, too, is very well
thought. And similarly ironic. It’s clear to all reading (and to him as
well, obviously, thus the smirk) that the young man’s “usual” is never to ask
for a return investment. A very good,
meaningful poem, and well written, Chase.
I enjoyed it. The only thing I
would suggest is a bit more proof-reading for capitals and such. J
Quinn C. – Hi Quinn! I feel like
I don’t even know what to say about this poem, because we praised it so well in
class! It is just so deliciously
consonance-crazy…hilarious, fun, and honestly (we were saying this in the class
chat) it’s a little Alice-in-Wonerland-stalgic.
Haha!! I was seriously thinking
“Mad Hatter” the whole time you were reading! ;’~D A really creative and amusing way to play out
what we see in this painting. Aside from
being amusing, though, it is really quite impressive to go back and consider
just how much thought had gone into this level of craftsmanship. The bold versus regular typeface lettering
(that at first seems a way to indicate the speaker’s adamancy, but then looks
like a way to distinguish what was spoken in
the past from what is being narrated in
the present…yes?). Then the almost
contradictory, nonsensical statements—“aside from his personality, I really
like him.”—and the off-the-wall associations he makes between his own words and
the (perhaps imagined) happenings of the session. It’s both a hysterical spectacle and telling indication
of this person’s “madness” as we roll along.
We are sure by the time that the session has expired (or at least the
narrator’s telling of it) that he / she needs more than another appointment on
the tenth to be well! (Some meds for
schizophrenia maybe?) The rhyming just
adds on a whole other layer of fun, too, and I loved the way you alternated between
internal rhyming and the end rhymes. It
really worked. So overall, although as a
psych student I admit I feel the need to reiterate that true mental illness is definitely not funny….this poem surely
was! And I think you did a great job at
making it as much fun on paper (or at least nearly so) as it was when read
aloud J Bravo!
The only thing I can think to say for improvement is, maybe, don’t let
the consonance get so crazy that it comes at the expense of content. P.S. I didn’t even notice “them” in the title
until I read I read the poem like five times, haha! So maybe we can add dissociative personality
disorder to the list too? :’~D
Gabrielle's reviews
October
2, 2020
Sydney’s Poem, “Emerald Eyes”
Sydney,
Your poem is definitely one of my favorites out of all that have been read so far. I love how mature the language you used is and how beautifully the stanzas flow into one another. Your use of similes and imagery is phenomenal, especially the line that stated, “Her curves like those of an amphora vase, crafted by the precise hands of an artisan.” The uniqueness of your word choice is something that definitely struck me the hardest and pulled me deeper into the story you were conveying. Right from the start, I had a feeling that this had something to do with a man falling for a woman he knew he shouldn’t be around, so I will say that it was quite predictable. What wasn’t predictable, however, was the way in which you painted the pictures and described the two characters in such depth; what an incredible utilization of imagery from start to finish. Although I was able to pick up on the overall theme right from the beginning, it was very enjoyable to read because of the unique route that you decided to take the reader on. Great job!
Rachel’s
Poem, “Searching for Diamonds”
Rachel,
Wow
- what an incredible job you did on this poem! I was intrigued from the very
beginning to the final phrase and found myself wanting to read it over and over
again because it was just that great. I will say that I also had to read it
multiple times because the first couple times had me feeling a little confused.
I began to realize, however, that this poem made a lot more sense after I read
the final couplet and then proceeded to read the poem straight through again. I
found that it plays a lot on childhood innocence and hopefulness that then
begins to diminish with the passing of time. With that being said, this poem
was very unpredictable which I absolutely loved. It’s always exciting to read
something that just continues to surprise you as you read on. Along with this,
I loved your use of rhetorical questions within your writing. As the reader, I
found myself pausing after each question as though I wanted to answer them
myself. They truly made me think deeper about the phrases and meaning behind
the phrases that you were speaking, which I think is really amazing. The use of
exaggerated spacing within your final couplet was also very admirable in my
opinion. It really emphasized the importance of a simple memory you were
recalling that actually holds a lot of meaning for the story you are telling.
Your writing is always so beautiful...wonderful job!
Angeles’
Poem, “Untitled”
Angeles,
I
think you did a really awesome job on this poem! I love the real and raw nature
of the language that you used throughout the entirety of this piece - it helped
to make everything feel more casual and realistic. Each of the stanzas seemed
to encapsulate a single idea/scene which I found very interesting while
reading. A lot of the poems that we have read seem to be very flowy, with
stanzas pouring into each other so I found it very fresh and exciting to read
one that didn’t necessarily follow that path. I also love how the point of view
shifted from the therapist in the beginning, to the patient at the end. I think
in doing this, you were able to keep things interesting and unpredictable which
I really enjoyed! I also love your use of internal dialogue within the entirety
of the poem, which also contributes to the rawness of this piece. If there was
anything at all that could potentially be tweaked, I would say perhaps the
punctuation. There were some moments where I feel like using an ellipsis or
semicolon as opposed to a comma may have worked more in your favor, adding a
little more emphasis to certain ideas. Other than that, I think the poem is
very well written and I love how relatable it is in a sense. The woman
portrayed seems to struggle with valuing tangible items over friendships and
her mental well-being, which is something that a lot of individuals, if not
most, struggle with in life at some point or another; it was nice to see this
sort of theme conveyed within poetry.
Chase’s
Poem, “Pro Bono”
Chase,
Your
poem is literally genius! I love how you took a unique turn and decided to
focus more on the therapist as opposed to the patient within the context of the
painting. You created this incredibly visual story that I was able to clearly
see from beginning to end. Being that I’m studying psychology to become a
therapist one day, it was so nice to hear a story portraying the raw reality
that is the person helping can most certainly experience emotional turmoil,
too. The stanza that stuck with me the most was the one stating, “I hear
another curious tale of heartbreak and misery. As I listen I wonder, "will
anyone ever hear mine?" This really hit me hard and I felt as though I was
experiencing the baggage that this individual was undergoing, purely because of
the way you wrote and conveyed these feelings. Each of the stanzas flowed
together so nicely, piecing together such a simple, yet emotional theme
throughout. Towards the end, I love how you wrote about the friend (patient)
feeling balanced while the person helping felt as though they had too much on
their plate to manage now. I feel like this idea you presented clearly explains
how it is to be human. We can only take or hear so much until we hit a breaking
point. This feeling of helplessness seemed to arise in my own mind after
reading those lines, so props to you for portraying this story in the simple,
yet effective way that you did. It evoked a lot of emotion for me which I think
any good poem should do. Great job!
Claire's reviews
Poem 2
Quinn N,
First of all, this poem is
seriously amazing, I honestly feel like it could be done by a professional.
There’s so many different things I love about this poem, from the way it jumps
to different ideas, to the strong word choice. My favorite line is “I thought
about how expensive coffee is these days” because it’s just such a raw line and
it really shows how uninterested the “I” is in the therapy session I’m assuming
is occuring. The lines “Our time is up. See you in two weeks” brings the
character back to reality and it feels very numb. I feel such a deep
understanding of this scene and mood so easily. The way you describe the paper
weights and the therapist writing provides me with a mood of despair and
emptiness, almost as if the character doesn’t want to be there but doesn’t care
enough not to. The use of figurative language is strong as well, overall just
really interesting to read.
Elyia,
I really liked this poem
and the figurative language and word choices were so strong, it really drew me
in. I really liked the line “so there’s things I’d like to say but I’d never
find the words” because it’s just something so relatable and that simple line
stands out in such a complex poem. I had a difficult time sensing the
atmosphere/location where this poem takes place, but the mood is very complex,
changing throughout. I get a very forign universe feeling, almost like a dream
where there’s random things happening. This poem stands out a lot to me in
comparison to the others because the Hodgki painting isn’t as prominent in
yours. When I was reading this, I personally felt like it seemed like an
internal battle filled with ups and downs. It was a fun read overall and I felt
like I found a different interpretation each time through which was neat!
Kassaundra,
I really like the way you
chose to incorporate the Howard Hodgki painting. I liked reading about it as if
you were a viewer of the artwork, instead of from the perspective of actually
being in the room with the woman on the couch which was more commonly done. I
find the comparison between the “I” and art to be very interesting because of
how open to interpretation it is, yet how real all the things you listed are;
we all are judged, we all are incomplete, etc. I found this poem to overall be
very beautiful. I think it perfectly captures how bittersweet it is to be a
person. My favorite parts were the 1 word sentences and your strong vocabulary
choices that all hold such deep meaning. Even the title is simple, yet
beautiful; because as humans we are all our own “first draft” and mistakes,
critiques, ect. are all bound to happen, just like when making a painting, it’s
part of being an imperfect human.
Gabrielle,
I thought “Learning to
Swim” was a unique title and I think it’s a strong fit for your poem. While
this poem is extremely open to interpretation, I personally felt that it seemed
like it portrayed someone who was trying to heal after a difficult breakup with
a toxic person or an addiction. The “drowning” that you used to describe the
sadness in the poem provides me with such a vivid understanding of how deeply
this person is struggling. I also like that you continued the water comparisons
throughout by using “learning to swim” as a way of describing healing. I think
this is a poem a lot of people would also enjoy because of the way it portrays
strength and growth. While the mood is mostly defeat, it seems to end in a more
light tone. The vocabulary you chose is also very strong and I caught myself
hanging onto every word.
Blake,
Firstly, I think you meant
couch, instead of coach. But I thought it was cool that you were cautious about
rhyming each line because it added to the interest of reading. This poem seems
like a rollercoaster of emotions, starting off with anticipation, then sorrow,
and ending with contentment and understanding. It’s a lot packed into so
little, but I actually enjoyed that. The mixture of questions and dialogue stay
parallel to the idea of a therapy session that seems to be portrayed. I thought
the title was unique because it adds to the understanding that the speaker is
uncomfortable. I don’t really like that the poem is centered because I think I
read it a little differently because of that, but I like a unique artistic
decision. This is a fun read and I think it gets the point across in an
interesting way. The word choice is strong, as well as the line breaks.
Overall, very cool.
Stephanie,
The tone of this poem is
very sullen, yet intriguing. I like the way it is connected to the Howard
Hodgki painting and the idea of being in therapy. The doubts it seems to
portray about therapy are things that I feel anyone with mental health issues
can relate to and it’s put in a way that is easy to understand, yet leaves the reader
with some questions. Like what is this person “taking to the grave” and what
are the “horrors” they’re discussing? I also really enjoyed the mixture between
thoughts and actual dialogue. The final two lines were my favorite because they
held such strong emotions and had a distinct contrast from the lines above it
where questions were being asked. This poem holds so much emotion that it truly
brings me into the setting and I feel the pain the main character is
discussing. Overall, I found it really interesting.
Chase,
Your
take on therapy was very different from the other poems which I really liked;
it discussed it through the therapist's eyes, instead of the patient’s. The way
you described the emotional burden of taking on other peoples’ issues was very
strong and I could feel the emotions in the room where they were talking. My
favorite line was “I admit I even enjoyed playing the Devil's advocate” because
it used such an interesting word choice that really showed the mood. The way
the beer is described brings a lot of intrigue to me personally. Like I’m not
sure a therapy session is the place to be drinking, or maybe it is a metaphor?
I also find intrigue in the line “My mind wanders to the cabinet where I keep my good spirits” which is
possibly a description of a liquor cabinet? Anyway, I really liked reading this
and found it really heartfelt.
McGwire's reviews
Stephanie
I really enjoy this poem, the way you counter our expectation by calling this poem “Safe Place” and the poem talks it is not a safe place. How the speaker is hostile towards this therapist, how they react to what is going on just makes this poem wonderful and interactive. In the end, if you cannot trust a place that is supposed to be safe then nowhere is safe, I guess. I have no negatives about his poem as I really enjoy and think it words well with the materials we were given. The sixth couplet is very good, I love how it talks to the “shrink” and asks very strong and wanting questions that they cannot talk about, but it still is just so wonderful and so very strange.
Quinn C. Poem 3
Once again Quinn this poem is so very fascinating and just plays with rhythm to the best extreme. As well as your performance of this poem pushes it all to the top. The imagery and the presentation that is given through this poem, I find it hard to describe to be honest, but it is beautiful. I feel as though I am watching a scene in a play or musical as it really shows you what it is you are trying to tell. It is just so hard to describe the emotions and the feelings I have toward this poem, it pulls me in and grabs my attention, it honestly throws hamlet vibes at me. Which just furthers my love for this poem, very well done and I am excited to see what you do with this next poem.
Blake's Reviews
Gabrielle Louisa
A misguided Timeline/ Stephine E.
First and foremost, holy cow this a powerful poem that honestly drew me in from start to finish. The theme of this poem is something as man I do not think I can fully grasp but, I can empathize and try to understand! That being that we as people all want to be loved or have love in our lives and the almost defeated bitter atmosphere that is created in this poem is superb. It flows well as our character monologues and bemoans that life does not mimic the movies, that love is not obtained in a flash or a catch of an eye and you are on you marry way. This sense of disappointment that they seem to feel at this disillusionment with the world is wonderful! Any who that is about all I got great poem
McGwire Nickerson
First actual critique that is you need to work on your photography skills a bit or to make sure the image is clearer because reading blurry words is headache inducing. On to the poem ok so I really like the tone of them poem and how we seem to have the order of knights and some sort of betrayal, what this represents to the author or is allegory for beyond betrayal, I don’t know. I really like the line “My self exile ends, when the knights and I agree that this the year of alcoholism and poison to the mind”. This an awesome line that for some reason made me laugh and think of guys taking their buddy out after a breakup. All in great poem, but work on your photography.
Quinn Coleman
I got kicked in the shin
I feel like this is one of those poems that may read better aloud rather then reading. I’m left with the impression that maybe you are writing about a play or the theater and the work and effort you put into and the bittersweet feeling of completing a work of art is done and also the social aspect of leaving new friends potential never seeing them again. It reads kind of odd though and is a little hard to follow.
Weird Autumn
I really like to right of the bat the formation of this poem how the lines grow smaller and smaller as it goes on. This type of structuring I feel would be hard to do so bravo!
This poem is a dark Erie feeling to me while also conjuring
childhood memories of playing outside with your friends. You have these fun
lines like forts in the leaves but then your harsh words like “dry as death” or
“old bones” “sacrificial ritual”. So, you have this fall day with children
playing and maybe playing some sort of witch’s game but there just this dark
undertone behind their activities it gives me strong vibes like the movie the
VVich. So, all in all great poem
Gabrielle
Lovisa's Reviews
September
18, 2020
Sabrina’s Poem, “Party Girl”
Sabrina,
Overall, I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading your poem. The language and word choice you utilized was very simplistic and I think this worked very well in your favor. The poem was very easy to follow and I felt as though I had a firm grasp on the story you were trying to convey. As for the overall structure, the stanzas seemed a little choppy towards the middle for me, but I felt as though the first two stanzas and the last two stanzas flowed together very nicely. As for the story you were telling itself, I felt as though I was literally getting sucked into this vivid, vulnerable memory from your own personal experience and because of this, it made me feel kind of emotional...I believe that’s how all poems should work - when they evoke some sort of emotion you know you are doing something right! :) One of my favorite things about this poem was how much of an emphasis you placed on a ring, and how at one point you had longed to be just like this ring, shiny and beautiful. I feel like we all go through moments where we’re really struggling and wish so badly that we could go back in the past, change things, and reinvent ourselves...I know I have at least. However, this poem, despite its saddening tone and nature, pushes on and really depicts how we have to keep moving forward no matter how difficult it may get. To me, this poem did not feel very predictable and I really liked that. I didn’t expect the ending at all where you discussed the death of what I assumed was your old self, and I really enjoyed your use of internal dialogue to really push how it was you were feeling. I think this is the part where I began to see the connection between the title and the poem. Your former self, in a sense “died,” and your current self has now taken on the persona of a “party girl” who seems to be trying to drink her hurt away. Because of this, I think you did a great job of choosing a title that is simple, yet incredibly effective in fully portraying the message of this story. If I were you, I think the only thing I would really focus on is ensuring that your poem, in its entirety, flows together nicely in a way where the stanzas just seem to roll together. I think switching up the structure of the sentences you used and playing around with their length could really spice up this poem! Other than that, though, I truly thought this poem was beautifully written and I was intrigued from beginning to end. Wonderful job!
Blake’s Poem, “Undersized Couch”
Blake,
Reading your poem was really refreshing for me! Although there was a pretty solemn tone going on throughout the entirety of the poem, the way in which you portrayed the story made it feel a little more light-hearted. I loved your use of a rhyme scheme throughout your lines; the rhythm within your poem flowed so nicely as I was reading, and was a big reason as to why I think I enjoyed the poem so much! The battle between inward struggle and outward expression seemed to be a pretty big part of this particular piece - I think this is something we all kind of go through at one point or another in our own lives. Just because we smile and tell people we’re okay, doesn’t necessarily mean that we are truly doing that well on the inside. Your writing was very relatable for me and I love how easy it was for me to form a connection to it. If there was anything I would tweak at all though, it would probably be your punctuation. There were some lines with run-on sentences, with the final stanza as an example, and others missing the correct form of punctuation which made it a little confusing to understand what you were truly going for at times. Other than this, I think you wrote a really great poem and I look forward to reading your next piece of writing!
McGwire’s Poem, “The Beast Within”
McGwire,
Your poem is great! I loved all of the descriptive word choice you utilized to tell your story, and enjoyed the dark, haunting nature of the poem. The stanzas flowed together so nicely and your use of unique sentence length and punctuation made for a very intriguing piece of writing for sure! This honestly reminded me a lot of when I, personally, start overthinking about life late at night, and the weird place I eventually find myself in after freaking out for so long. As much as I wish I didn’t relate to this, I can certainly say your portrayal of betrayal, a pounding heart, and embracing the ailment that “plagues you” to name a few in particular, really resonated with me. When reading this, I looked at the plague as though it was anxiety, which may actually be what you were going for here. Being that this is something I really struggle with, it was so crazy to feel truly immersed in your writing as though you were literally writing about what goes on in my own brain. You wrote an amazing piece that was not only unique and unpredictable, but one that evoked a lot of emotion in me...emotion because I could relate so well.
Stephanie Escamilla Reviews
For Quinn C, on their poem I Got
Kicked In The Shin
This is a beautifully melodic poem
that makes great use of repetition to drive it’s message home. I’m particularly
fond of the line toward the end, ‘it’s not the light but rather those who the
light touches / it’s not the destination but it’s the unpredictable journey
there’. I wonder if the ‘there’ in this line refers to the place of glory
mentioned in an earlier line (I wanted all the glory, I wanted all the light).
This is an empowering poem with a funny title that normally would not predicate
the poignancy of the poem that follows, but the title adds to the charm of the
piece. As I said before, the repetition of certain words, such as ‘wrote’ and
‘alone’ builds emphasis on the plights of the narrator in the poem without
drawing sorrow from the reader. The whimsy in the final lines ‘not too shabby
of an experience / with many moments that are glorious’ is an excellent closure
: funny, juxtaposing the steadfast determination of the piece, but still in
tone with the admiration the narrator feels for their life as it stands in the
piece. Lovely poem!
For Claire, on their poem Dear
Winter
This poem’s narration is told from
the perspective of, I believe, a young child versus a busy city. There is great
use of detail to give setting and location to the reader without explicitly
saying ‘this is the city and it is bustling’. The personification of the cars
screaming, as opposed to angry drivers controlling the motions, also adds to
the perspective of the young child who doesn’t know better. ‘A hundred doors that
held a hundred fates / and a hundred people living different lives’ is an
excellent line depicting the phenomena of sonder, and it is a complex
realiztion to be had by a child young enough to be in Care Bear sneakers - I
enjoyed this little detail too. ‘One coffee later’ as a metric of time passing
was also a funny detail. In the last few lines, though, the poem gives the
reader a sense that this child, however old they may be, is wiser beyond their
years. Their innocence does not equate ignorance, and they are as apprehensive
of the bustling city as any stranger in a new setting would be. The perception
in this piece is excellent.
For Elyia, on their poem Ok,
Spaceman
I don’t think it’s any secret that
Elyia’s use of language and simile/comparison in her poems is phenomenal. After
my initial read through of this poem, the line ‘I could pop the hood of his
clunky white star-ship, cook snowflakes on a rattling engine, protoplanetary
debris and rocksalt flaking away at the rims’ stuck with me for a good while
afterward, for it’s fantastic use of absurd imagery. There is also great
alliteration sprinkled throughout the poem: ‘A push and we plummet, piercing’
or ‘clovers climbing his pelvic crest’ flow so easily into the piece’s natural
diction, the melody is only strengthened. The structure of the poem, as well,
lends to the scattered structure of the story being told - it comes across more
like a short story, in a way, than the line-by-line stanzas we’ve seen in class
thus far. The use of space-related allusions and flowers/nature opposing it
draws two completely different mediums of comparison into one piece that reads
beautifully.
For Sydney, on their poem ‘I Laid
Under a Violet Sky’ ( I accidentally critiqued this one for poem 2 instead,
my revised critique is below!)
This piece does a beautiful job setting the scene -
with the description of the violet sky juxtaposed by the unkempt grass on which
the narrator lays, or the peace of a hometown rest against creepy crawlies
across the narrator’s skin. In fact, there are multiple instances of
juxtaposition that give the poem a balance that rides the line between tranquil
and helpless. Trespassing in one line, evoking a sense of danger, and peaceful
in the next to quell it. A reference to romance punctuated by a looming
loneliness, and then closed by a sense of closure in oneself, even if it is a
bittersweet end. Sydney’s other poems in class have also alluded to a romance
just out of reach or possibility, though Sydney’s are less overtly flowery and
romanticized, and more realistic/forlorn in their observation. I enjoy Sydney’s
work, and this piece is no exception.
For Quinn N, on their poem Weird
Autumn
This is a wistfully nostalgic poem.
The narrator, it seems, is reminiscing on a time of their childhood, though it
doesn’t seem to be fixed in the realm of an autumn, as the title would imply.
‘Little unknowing thing’ sets the tone that the younger version of the narrator
has always been so naive, and ‘the others were gone’ implies an overarching
sense of loneliness. I really like where Quinn chose to break off lines for
this poem, almost mid-thought or mid-sentence for each one, save for the first
line. The use of color for setting is beautiful in this piece: ‘yellow dead’
and ‘red-orange dandruff’, where warm colors are typically used for allusions
to life and comfort being used for the dreariness and decay of summer. Perhaps,
even, the decay of childhood innocence: ‘the adults had left us to our own
devices’ and the ‘others were gone’ line leads me to believe the narrator’s
younger self is having an emotional shift as the season changes. Poignant, very
well written.
For Nora, on their poem My Senses
Were Invaded
The title being used in the very first
line of this piece, I love it! It gives the poem an active momentum from the
get-go, negating any chance for the reader to prepare. In a similar sense, the
narrator in the poem does not have the chance to prepare for the events that
take place - a passing encounter, ships in the night, and pondering if this brief
meeting is a result of a precedent unknowingly set. It’s that lingering ‘what
if’ that we all feel in our day to day lives, and I like how Nora has put it
into a succinct self-reflection in the lines ‘I realized without language I was
still able to connect. / How many other relationships did I allow boundaries to
neglect?’ There’s a sense of anxiety in reconsidering small social interactions
and wondering if they are much larger than the 15 seconds in which they
happened. The dialogue is a fun touch, as is the language change. ‘He set down
the bread as I was desperately attempting to remember the Spanish word for
adore’ - I really love this line, the scrambling to impress and the hopeless
romantic essence of declaring adoration at first sight. It’s a charming piece
that resonates with the socially anxious and emotionally unsure.
For Paige, on their poem I
Accidentally Left Innocence on Read
What a colorful, poignant piece! I
like how the title uses more modern, tech-savvy lingo to communicate moving on,
while the poem itself relies on metaphors of the outdoors, of animalistic
behaviors and face-to-face interactions ( the narrator vs. the unnamed ‘you’,
the narrator among friends ). The personification of Innocence in the title is
also paired with the personification of Doubt and Anxiety in the line ‘But am I
alone? Doubt says I am. Anxiety says you left me at the mercy of the world.’
Along with the ‘you’ in the poem, from which the narrator is trying to move on,
they are also moving on and leaving behind their mental demons, so to speak. To
‘leave on read’ implies to abandon coldly, to ghost and offer no explanation,
but the poem details a process of recovery, of reflecting on where things went
wrong, and finding stability in friends like oneself. I like this title for
this piece a lot, and Paige does an excellent job depicting the difficult
reinvention of oneself after emotional letdown at the hands of another person.
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