CRITIQUES OF POEM 2

Reviews by Claire

 

Quinn Newell’s Poem 2

First of all, this poem is seriously amazing, I honestly feel like it could be done by a professional. There’s so many different things I love about this poem, from the way it jumps to different ideas, to the strong word choice. My favorite line is “I thought about how expensive coffee is these days” because it’s just such a raw line and it really shows how uninterested the “I” is in the therapy session I’m assuming is occurring. The lines “Our time is up. See you in two weeks” brings the character back to reality and it feels very numb. I feel such a deep understanding of this scene and mood so easily. The way you describe the paper weights and the therapist writing provides me with a mood of despair and emptiness, almost as if the character doesn’t want to be there but doesn’t care enough not to. The use of figurative language is strong as well, overall just really interesting to read. 

 

 

Kassaundra’s Poem 2, 

I really like the way you chose to incorporate the Howard Hodgkin painting. I liked reading about it as if you were a viewer of the artwork, instead of from the perspective of actually being in the room with the woman on the couch which was more commonly done. I find the comparison between the “I” and art to be very interesting because of how open to interpretation it is, yet how real all the things you listed are; we all are judged, we all are incomplete, etc. I found this poem to overall be very beautiful. I think it perfectly captures how bittersweet it is to be a person. My favorite parts were the 1 word sentences and your strong vocabulary choices that all hold such deep meaning. Even the title is simple, yet beautiful; because as humans we are all our own “first draft” and mistakes, critiques, ect. are all bound to happen, just like when making a painting, it’s part of being an imperfect human. 

 

Reviews by Stephanie

 

For Claire, on their poem two called Therapy

 

This is a beautifully written piece ringing of nostalgia, laced with a somber tone. With the line ‘my mind feels comfort in that version of me’, there is a sense of separation between the narrator ‘today’, so to speak, and the narrator in an earlier stage of life, in some early ‘June afternoon’. Through hints from ‘fairy tales’ defining the beliefs and concerns of the narrator’s other identity, the reader is led to believe that this is a current person reminiscing on childhood, when they were more naive and prone to believing in magic and the fantastical. Given the title, we can assume this narrator is now in a therapeutic session, and I can’t help but wonder if this piece could be the answer to a question asked by the therapist - “where did it all start?” or “when were you last happy with your life?”. From the second to last line, where the narrator shares they have ‘only the comfort of a memory’ it gives the piece a wistful, bittersweet pang in a second read-through. To mourn ones simple, even hopeful, childhood as an adult struck with depression is a fruitless mourning, but the narrator is hopeful in the last line to rekindle that beautiful view of life. Tonally well delivered poem, very poignant reflection that flows well.

 

For Paige, on their poem two called Bruised Fruits

 

This is an incredibly intriguing poem from the first couplet. There is active action right away, putting the reader into the movement of the piece, as well as putting the reader in the place of the narrator. The narrator comes across almost cartoon-like, if not in their surroundings than by their use of language. ‘Do-good brat’ and ‘so-called hero’, biting phrases with a funny sort of whimsy absent from some of the other pieces we’ve seen in class. The line ‘I hit the TV’s buttons. Maybe too hard. Anger was better at control than me’ stuck out to me with its flow - the hard pauses, the short thoughts that come in quick succession - and the near-personification of anger. Anger controlling the narrator’s actions in that moment, as well as their thoughts in the rest of the piece - maybe the driving force behind the ‘pickpocketing and lying’ or the result of being served ‘so-called justice’ by a mysterious savior of an unnamed population. I get the sense this is from the perspective of a sort of villain down on their luck, an interesting point of view often unexplored. Paige has said in class before they write fiction in their personal time with friends - I imagine it’s a very colorful experience! I wonder if this is inspired by that pastime.

 

For Sydney, on their poem two called Bugs and Birds

 

This piece does a beautiful job setting the scene - with the description of the violet sky juxtaposed by the unkempt grass on which the narrator lays, or the peace of a hometown rest against creepy crawlies across the narrator’s skin. In fact, there are multiple instances of juxtaposition that give the poem a balance that rides the line between tranquil and helpless. Trespassing in one line, evoking a sense of danger, and peaceful in the next to quell it. I can’t help but wonder how this piece would fare broken up into couplets, but as it is it flows nicely. A reference to romance punctuated by a looming loneliness, and then closed by a sense of closure in oneself, even if it is a bittersweet end.

 

For Quinn N., on their poem called Limbic System, Part 3

 

Right away, the title is gripping. Reflecting and reading through a second time (I didn’t get a chance to write out this critique before this poem was shared in class) I wonder if the ‘part 3’ refers to a third visit with the therapist alluded to in the piece or if it is an inside reference I am not privy to. Either way, it pairs well with the eccentric flow of the piece. Scattered thought, a scattered narration - I think this works to detach the reader from the narrator in the same way a therapist is detached from their patient, observing and unsure. The uncertainty and off the wall thoughts give the piece a momentum, as do the breaks in the couplets for active dialogue amid overactive imagination. I especially like the breaks in the couplets, and how very few come to full stops in one line and seem to overflow into the next one. Quinn mentioned ADHD when she was explaining the drive behind the poem - as a person who also deals with bouts of ADHD and the flurry the brain goes through in a matter of just a few minutes, I found this piece to flow perfectly and felt I could keep up well.

 

Review by McGwire

for Amanda

                I really like this poem; it is funny and light in comparison to the large portion of darker poems. This poem is also very meta, it adds a whole new level to the poem. I also enjoyed how you took the inspiration of the painting to hear in this poem, as well as the phrase “I gotta tell ya doc,” it fits this poem well. Now on to the critique part, I personally feel that the phrase “this painting we live in is flat.” is a little clunky. Maybe replace it with “this painting is flat” or another combination of similar meaning. I have a hard time telling if this phrase was meant to be this way or not but the phrase “I want me happy” seems strange, like I said it could have been a choice for the poem or just a missed combination of words.

 

Gabrielle’s Review

Sabrina’s Poem, “Party Girl”

Sabrina,

Overall, I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading your poem. The language and word choice you utilized was very simplistic and I think this worked very well in your favor. The poem was very easy to follow and I felt as though I had a firm grasp on the story you were trying to convey. As for the overall structure, the stanzas seemed a little choppy towards the middle for me, but I felt as though the first two stanzas and the last two stanzas flowed together very nicely. As for the story you were telling itself, I felt as though I was literally getting sucked into this vivid, vulnerable memory from your own personal experience and because of this, it made me feel kind of emotional...I believe that’s how all poems should work - when they evoke some sort of emotion you know you are doing something right! :) One of my favorite things about this poem was how much of an emphasis you placed on a ring, and how at one point you had longed to be just like this ring, shiny and beautiful. I feel like we all go through moments where we’re really struggling and wish so badly that we could go back in the past, change things, and reinvent ourselves...I know I have at least. However, this poem, despite its saddening tone and nature, pushes on and really depicts how we have to keep moving forward no matter how difficult it may get. To me, this poem did not feel very predictable and I really liked that. I didn’t expect the ending at all where you discussed the death of what I assumed was your old self, and I really enjoyed your use of internal dialogue to really push how it was you were feeling. I think this is the part where I began to see the connection between the title and the poem. Your former self, in a sense “died,” and your current self has now taken on the persona of a “party girl” who seems to be trying to drink her hurt away. Because of this, I think you did a great job of choosing a title that is simple, yet incredibly effective in fully portraying the message of this story. If I were you, I think the only thing I would really focus on is ensuring that your poem, in its entirety, flows together nicely in a way where the stanzas just seem to roll together. I think switching up the structure of the sentences you used and playing around with their length could really spice up this poem! Other than that, though, I truly thought this poem was beautifully written and I was intrigued from beginning to end. Wonderful job! 

Blake’s reviews

Bruised Fruits/ Paige Shafer

First and foremost, I enjoy your poem page or draft what ever you wish to call it and I will do my best at critiquing it, well here goes. The setting is established quickly this places the reader in the mind set of the character in the story I can feel a dark living room with lonely coach in front of tv to then be fully reviled as they flick on the light switch. I can picture a big leather coach the ones that have embossed divots. I love how you mention the pockets in coaches and how we often lose things in them. Then we get more into what is going on with the character. I enjoy the air of mystery you have created with the vagueness of whether or there was an altercation with a sister or maybe it is the character angry at themselves? The only real critique I would have is thought we had to rhyme in this poem or do couplets which I do not see any! Either way great poem.

Therapy/Claire Bickel

 I like how short and sweet this poem is! It has a distinct melancholy that has strong flavors of nostalgia. You could call it a pinning for the loss of simpler times, for childhood. The second line does a great job immediately placing the reader in a piece of the narrator or poet’s childhood and conjures many idyllic childhood memories that I feel most people have.  The poem goes onto this loss of self this infliction that the loss of innocents or how the world has robbed this person of the magical wonders childhood seamed to possessed and there’s a yearning in the character to get a piece of this magic no matter how small to fill a void in their lives. I feel this something extremely human and any reader can relate to this feeling and put themselves in the mindset of the character in the poem. So, all in all awesome poem no real critiques other than the couplets thing again.

Quinn Newell/Limbic System

Once again Quinn you are nailing it, honestly you seem to have a real talent for poetry and hope one day you publish a book.  This poem may have gone above my head I’ve read through it several times and I know we find ourselves in the room with a therapist where perhaps you or the character is lost in thought while they are being asked the standard therapy questions.  There seems to be this mistrust or unwillingness to open up to the therapist this idea that the words spoken in this room are not safe or not to be trusted or maybe it’s about the world being broken and chaotic outside while the character is trying to fix themselves through therapy I’m honestly not sure but the flow and the rhythm of the poem is fantastic and you actually used couplets or at least how I understand them to be used. So, I guess any critique would be maybe the poem is to vague and the reader gets lost in the myriad of seemingly unrelated thoughts. Or maybe that is the point. I look forward to finding out in class.

Religion, Alcohol, and some Paints/ Amanda Ross

First and foremost, I like the light air or humorous notes that this poem seems to carry. I can picture someone the rye smile while reading this almost sarcastic in its tone. Which in turn is diametrically abused to the subject matter at hand. We have a character describing themselves feeling unfitting in the world, question their faith and potentially struggling with Alcoholism. Yet we have this almost thumbing your nose at the doctor, this casual air and matter fact way they are describing their potential descent into a type of madness. Either way I honestly love it also really great flow, it is not overburdened in its structure or word usage it is casual in nature and that is what gives its lighthearted feeling of someone confidently explaining to a therapist that they may be going mad and be happy about it.

Party Girl/ Sabrina Haines

This poem may be the saddest in the bunch or at least it is to me. You have this girl mourning the loss of her former self as she regrets her decision to go out that night or maybe overcome by the alcohol she sits on a coach as the world spins and she ruminates on her life’s decisions and what may have led her to this unfamiliar place she finds herself in.  I love the reference to the grandmother’s ring, I don’t know why with the line a survivor I picture a woman who survived the holocaust or hardship in life and still held her shine. While our protagonist seems to be losing hers? The poem is clean and well structure and while the character is sad and lamenting it is not done in an overly dramatic or soapy way. It one that is very real and that can be sincerely empathized with and I think that is what makes this poem great.

 

Paige Shafer’s Reviews

For Quinn’s Poem:

Well… where do I start? This poem is a perfect blend of satisfying and unnerving. You do not hesitate to use bold descriptions in this poem. I particularly love “icicle-dipped”. With that description right off the bat, a vivid picture of the scene you were trying to describe was painted in my head. And it did not stop there. There was never a dull moment in your poem! You took this character and made them seem so real. The subject of the poem is not fantastical or some person rising above the rest. Rather, this is a very real person amid struggle. Particularly a struggle with their mental health. I think anybody who read the poem could relate to some degree. I think that is what makes this poem so accessible, so appealing. The only critique I have is that I wish it were longer, so you could’ve been given a chance to paint more visuals for your audience. Keep up the good work, Quinn!

 For Sabrina’s Poem:

Your beginning couplet was remarkable! I especially loved the phrase “tornado of colors”. I’ve never been drunk before, but it feels like one of the best ways to describe that feeling. The grandmother figure in this poem, which you introduce in the second couplet, was incredibly mysterious. I think many others share my feeling when I say I wish I would have had more lines to get acquainted with this grandmother character. Even if it was just a few more details about how she was a survivor. And then you jump into this contemplative mood, particularly about the past of the subject of the poem. While that is one of the beauties of this poem, I also feel that it might be one of its downfalls. This poem jumps between two storylines (of sorts), and never really sticks to one. Both storylines could have their own separate poems. Both poems would be great! But I think putting them together in one, especially with the limits we had, did not work that well. Now, that is not to say that the poem did not hold well. It absolutely did. I just think the execution of your idea did not happen the way you intended. Your poem tied off very neatly with the following: “I mimicked his smile. Or, perhaps, he had mimicked mine.” It was a simple ending yet \held every emotion I think you intended to have in this poem.

 

Quinn Newell's Reviews

Sabrina,

 

I think you’ve got some really great stuff here! The poem feels like the kind of thought process that goes through one’s head when they’ve had too much to drink. The opening line does a great job of getting the reader right into the poem. We know (or think we know) exactly what we’re getting into as the speaker has a drunken realization while sprawled across a couch, which establishes a place as well! The introduction of the grandmother’s ring brings elements of grief, loss, love and remembering into play. I would consider revising lines 6 (“seemed to still want to be beautiful and shiny.”) I love the personification of the ring and what the line is saying, it just feels a bit wordy/awkward to read. Something like “still wanted to be shiny and beautiful” or “still wanted to shine with beauty” (or something akin to that) would be more concise and still get the meaning across. My favorite lines in the poem are the ones starting from “She was dead now, of course, laying six feet underground…” The juxtaposition between the previous lines’ reflective sentiments into a sudden, dark, concrete statement is very effective. The music in that couplet is great as well! I also love the image of the man with citrine pants! Its vivid and specific. I think adding some concrete images like that to the 4^th and 5^th couplet would make them much stronger. The emotion is strong and moving, but it feels a little vague/abstract. I think adding images/sensations (maybe that reference back to the couch, or the party around the speaker, or the sensations in the body) would make it super effective! All together I thought it was a great poem and really enjoyed it!

Nora’s reviews

Bruised Fruits/Paige Shafer

This poem was very interesting to read. The writing and imagery is very vague, leaving me constantly wondering who the girl on the flash drive is and why there is such resentment towards her coming from the speaker of the poem. Or who gave her the flash drive in the first place? Why is the speaker so angry? The mood of the poem seemed dark to me. The lines “The couch was a suitable place for crashing and collapsing, leather pockets stuffed with the fruits of pickpocketing and lying” convey a life with traces of hopelessness and somewhat of a dark past (or present). I enjoyed lines like these because it allows you to connect with the speaker on an emotional level by utilizing examples of actions or thoughts taken when feeling a certain way.

 

Therapy/Claire Bickel

This poem has a very present theme of nostalgia. The speaker seems to be missing the hopeful outlook on life that each individual person is born with before enduring the reality of their society and environment. The imagery the speaker presents in the lines “a creaky swing set, a bedtime story, sidewalk chalk” allowed me as a reader to relate in an easier fashion by bringing up strong imagery a lot of people have from their childhood. The message of the poem sheds light on how strong the effects of someone’s environment/surroundings are, and the extreme impact they have on your worldview. Reality invades fantasy at some point in every person’s development. The mood of the poem is very sad and seems to be longing to be in a time where the dark realities of the present do not invade their current thoughts.

 

Limbic System, Part 3

This poem was very vague in terms of the speaker’s thoughts along with their thought process. They are constantly jumping from one scenario to another. In my point of view, the speaker’s location seems to be in a therapy office with their therapist in the room. As their therapist asks questions they are unfocused and talking about seemingly fake/altered images. A prominent theme throughout this poem seems to be paranoia. This is conveyed through the lines “Hard to hear through the violet in my ears, or the sharpening of swords- nine of them, or so I’m told- in the hall just outside the door”. I wonder what issues the speaker has and if they are at all relating to any form of mental illness. It made me want to know the details of the speaker’s past and what they have been through in life to end up where they are within this poem.

 

Party Girl/ Sabrina Haines

The mood of this poem seems to be nostalgic and sad. The speaker reflects on her past self and seems to long for that time in her life. It reflects the beauty of youth and the reality of society’s impacts on ourselves. It conveys the struggle of growing older, and through that, gaining more experiences as well as knowledge that can negatively affect our mental states and/or the way we view the world as a whole. In the beginning of the poem, the speaker seems to be utilizing alcohol abuse to escape the sadness that she feels from her past. This seems to be conveyed by the lines “I knew I drank too much sherry when I laid on a couch and felt my world spinning round in a tornado of colors”.

 

Religion, Alcohol, and Some Paints? Amanda Ross

This seems to be coming from a stance of frustration. Whatever is going in the speaker’s life, it is clear that it has left and is continuing to leave them unsatisfied and bitter. The mood seems to be falling along the lines of anger. The speaker seems to be an ex or current alcoholic in a therapy appointment. The speaker does not seem to be eager for help and seems to be showing signs of hopelessness. This is conveyed in the line “God wants me sober but I want me happy”. This showcases the real struggle of alcoholism that so many people endure. The only critique I have on this poem is that the word choice could be improved, at some points in the poem it felt as though there may have been words chosen to fit a rhyme. Other than that, I really enjoyed this poem and the message presented within it.

Amanda Ross reviews

Quinn N's Limbic System 

Quinn’s work has so far let us into such an imaginative mind, which I really appreciate as an imaginative person. Her last poem and this poem have a tendency to use very large and other worldly words to create imagery. I really like this aspect of her poetry, however, I think sometimes when the wording is really heavy, readers can get lost. Personally, I didn’t have a major problem with that, but my roommate was reading some poems listed on the class blog and that was one thing she noted that I do happen to agree with. I think as English majors we overlook this because we like using such vast language, but it can make a poem harder to understand, therefore diminishing the meaning. I like the small drops of alliteration in Limbic System, like “sandpaper swollen,” “chorused the cult,” “sharpening of swords,” etc, makes the poem even more memorable. Overall, I really cherish how you let listeners inside your mind and don’t let the strange or messy thoughts get in the way, when in reality, it heightens your poems. It’s something I need to work on and I’m taking note of that, so I value the way you write those ideas effortlessly.

Sydney's short critiques

Quinn C.

Great poem. Nice vocabulary, the language is quirky and interesting. A fun read. Was very puzzled by its meaning though. The poem forced me to think deeper into the story, and that’s a good thing. I don’t think I’ve ever read a poem like it.

Claire

Nice vocabulary, relatable topic, if not slightly cliché. Though my poem is cliché too so I can’t say much about that. Very easy to understand. I like the clear, vivid imagery and the references to magic. 

Paige 

I think it’s pretty interesting. Sounds like it’s a criminal writing about how much she hates the do-gooders in society. That’s a subject not many people talk about in poetry. I like the imagery a lot as well.

Amanda

I like the way she compares the world to a painting, perhaps referring to how everything we see on the media is fake and in reality we’re all stiff, cold people falling and failing to get back up on our feet.

Rachel's Reviews

Claire –  Claire, I’d like first like to say that I love the way this poem starts out.  The first line pulls me in…begs the question “what is ‘this’”…and then ushers in the story that unfolds as we progress along. I feel myself in the mind of the narrator, making these comforting recollections, visiting the memories of that “June afternoon” which seems to symbolize a more hopeful, child-like, naïve (in a good way) sort of “other version” of herself.  I loved how you used seemingly contradictory language, too—like “beauty of uncertainties”—to sort of exploit that optimism that she seemed to have possessed in this past life, and how you really pit that (in the first half of the poem) against the darker, desolate version of “self” that is presented in the second half—in the reality of the “now.”  You also give some hope in those later lines, though, which was nice.  The “what could be” …the memories leaving the speaker with a yearning to “fill again someday” the void she’s now experiencing.  It’s really a beautiful interplay of nostalgia, comfort, and bracing reality of the present, while not leaving us utterly hopeless.  It is real and somber, and yet it is not without some expectation for ultimate redemption from this altered and unwanted state of being for her. 

An area that I think you might have improved the piece is to add more imagery to the speaker’s recollections.  I loved the allusions to things like “a creaky swing set, a bedtime story, sidewalk chalk,” but I think adding more image-evoking language, perhaps more ambiguity and feeling instead of telling the story so straight-forwardly, would really enhance its sort of reminiscent but poignant tone. 

Overall, good work!  Thank you for sharing it with us!!

 

Sabrina – I liked how you used the painting in this poem to create this interesting story line, and gave us a first-person view into what we see on the page (in the painting).  The first line is really creative…I feel like how it works to explain the color choices that we see in somewhat logical terms, as if the abstractions are a normal reaction of this woman’s psyche, because her present state of intoxication.  Haha!  I loved that.  I also really liked the line about the ring…how it “caught any light it could,” and how you used the ring to sort of tie the emotional void of the grandmother to the current wearer.  The personification of the ring really works well in that way, and then opens us to this sort of segue into reminiscence and what we expect to be regret…and partially is. There’s admission of a lost clarity, and a fuller past life.  The lines “a life full of wonder and music,” and “garden full of allure” work well to describe this past self…but is there truly regret?   I personally felt like there was increasing feeling that this was NOT the case (and a little surprisingly -- perhaps because I read Claire’s poem first!) and that there was really no true longing for the past self that she’s recalling.  I feel an almost detached deadness about her, even though she tells us that it is the “old her” who is buried six feet under.  That was interesting.  Also, I love the mystery in the lines “I wondered for a moment if the girl…would have been ok” and then the man’s question “are you okay?”—we know the present version of her is not ok!  It just really leaves us wondering what didn’t happen that perhaps could have prevented this sad transformation to deadness, haze, and feigned regret.  Finally, I liked how we don’t really hear from the gentleman in the picture at all, except when he is acting as a sort of mirror to the speaker, both in his echoing her thoughts about being “okay” in the past—connecting that with the now (like the ring did)—but also reflecting her disposition and seeming false-front in the smile.  It’s almost as if he’s a projection of her troubled psyche—a product of her imagination instead of an actual figure in the piece.  I found that really interesting.

I don’t necessarily think that there is anything that should be changed for improvement, but adding more colorful or unexpected uses of language would add interest.  It’s pretty straight forward as it is.  I already have an engagement with the character and her story because of the little mysteries that you have planted throughout the piece, so putting some more thought into using interesting / unexpected wording or phrasing would only enhance it.  Great poem!

Chase's reviews

Amanda

I really enjoyed this poem, especially the opening line. The whole poem has a nice rhyme scheme that definitely gives the poem a good sense of rhythm. Different kinds of end rhymes give it enough variance to avoid being sing-song and was well done. Reading this makes me feel anxious (in a good way). The use of surrealism to describe the author’s body and his environment really evokes a feeling of alienation from one’s body. Even feeling dissociated when we are around other people. The conflict between the author and his duty to God is interesting. Kind of like a “The devil you know” scenario. Is God the painter? Or the person seated in the room with the author? If I had not known the prompt painting we all had to use this would have been a very disorienting poem (again in a good way). But I feel you have captured the mood of the painting and did great work to put the reader into the position of the man seated. Well done

 

Dana

 

Quinn

The first line of this poem is a real homerun for me. It hits so hard and is so bizarre it immediately commands your attention. I feel that maybe the line should end after “hands”. To really set in the surrealism. Reattaching your hands could mean so many things to a reader and the narrator casually takes a seat. Simply great. Particularly good vocabulary in this poem, and good use of rhymes to tie it all together. I especially liked “protegee in clay”. It really rolls off the tongue when you say it. Some very good line breaks too. My favorite of which is “chorused the cult”. great choice to have a cult chorus instead of a choir like I was expecting. It really adds to the darkness of the poem. And I really like how it looks on the end of the line. Overall a good interpretation of the painting and I enjoyed reading it.

 

McGwire

 

Elyia

The first thing that jumped out at me about this poem was your line, “The night is sweet and filled with sorrow”.  It reminds me of “The night is dark and full of Terrors” from Game of Thrones. It certainly got me interested because I am a fan of GOT. I like that it is posted on a street sign over the intersection. Its like a dystopian propaganda message like “OBEY” from the film “They Live.” It was interesting you chose to say “famous final phrase” instead of “famous last words”. I feel that this works great because people will stop to read it instead of skimming over a common turn of phrase. Overall the poem has an animalistic feel to it. Lots of animal imagery and even savagery ‘Thrash and bite, shed, flayed, etc.” this juxtaposes well with the scene of the city at night. I think “Neon-noir” might have been a typo of “Neo-Noir” in reference to films. But if not it stands fine on its own and creates an interesting scene. What I admire most about your poems is that you have a very strong voice. Really compels me to finish the whole poem in one go rather than dissect each phrase like how I like to read poems usually. Although I will admit I got a bit lost in this one and found it a little too abstract for me. But still great job

 

Paige

This poem feels to me like a slice out of a cyberpunk show. Someone stealing flash drives and the reference to Jimmy Fallon to remind the reader how ingrained pop culture is in our lives. I like how the narrator claims the shadows as their own. Maybe their friends are bad people but they still love them anyways. And then to be stung by betrayal from them. I think this poem could have been much longer if we had not been limited by line constraints. I would have loved to have a more fleshed out story about this character and their exploits. This was a very creative use of the painting prompt and I never would have thought of that. Some nice subtle rhymes that avoid being cliché. I liked the first couplet “high and light” the best.

Claire

I think many people can relate to this poem easily. I like how accessible it is, I can believe that the narrator really feels what they are saying and I can almost feel it myself. There is a feeling of despondency and resignation because this person is in therapy. But they also remember the good times they had when they were a child. Which creates this nice contrast between the two emotions. What really moved me was the second half of your last line, “-I yearn to fill again someday”. Up until this point the poem seems to be digging deeper and deeper. Much like depression itself the poem’s mood goes down and down. Capped off with the hard hitting “desolation of depression”. Then there is this tiny glimmer of hope at the end that someday things will get better. I loved this and I feel like the whole poem encapsulates how depression can manifest in people’s lives. 

Reviews by McGwire below:

Angeles,

                This poem is a strange take on the image that we were given as inspiration; I enjoy it though. Although, I might be getting wrong in what is going on. I really enjoy the last line, “Heavy pockets, friendless, a little more love.” This poem is very good, to be honest I am bad at critiquing works that are not mine. I think an interesting change to the phrase “I am sick of the money and having no true friends”, as I feel like something could be changed here, would be “I am sick of the money, of having no true friends”.  Also, I noticed a change from I to him, unsure why, if it was accidental, or on purpose but I think it moves too quickly almost making me wonder where I went.

 

Chase,

                This poem is familiar, as I often share my problem with my friends and I used to not ask them about how they felt and what was troubling them, not anymore though. I enjoy the phrase “This time I’ll waive my usual fee.” I feel that a comma might need to be placed after the apartment, but I am not sure how it would change what you are trying to convey, I just feel that I would add more to the impact of the sentence. I also feel that a comma needs to be placed behind leaves, as it could make the sentence fit a little more, but I could be wrong. I feel using enjoyed as its past tense while the rest is in present tense is unfitting, this could be on purpose or accident.

 

Rachel,

                I like this poem a lot, it reminds me of many things. I love the long dialog we get from the speaker; it is quite interesting what is said in those lines. I also love how you put space in the last lines that almost allows them to be their own couplet separate to the other part of the line.  I find the phrase “it’s the product of a disease that I can’t cure.”, it's symbolic plus I and many others can relate to this sentiment. The first two lines of this poem are quick and like a scene from an action movie as they pull you in at a rather quick pace,  I enjoy how quickly it pulls you in and it shows the reader what the speaker wants to say.

 

Quinn C.,

                I enjoy the rhymes that exist in this poem and how it bounces between two people, the speaker and some other person. It is quite fascinating how you are bold and underlined when one of the two individuals are speaking and how you only underline or bold the words when it switches between individuals. I also enjoy how snappy and quick they respond to each other. I feel as though the second couplet doesn’t quite fit with the rest of the poem, it seems like it would fit better if you mixed the first couplet and second couplet together, to make it flow better but that is my opinion and off course you could have written this way for a certain reason that I do not understand nor know without asking you.

 

Amanda Poem 3,

                I enjoy this poem a lot, I love it to be honest. I love the strangeness and fever dream feel of this poem, it takes me to this place that I did not expect it to take me to. It is this scene out of a romance movie, it is this strange experience. The whole opening the bottle scene, the words are visual and vivid that I can picture it, but to be honest I can visualize this entire poem. It is a wonderful poem that provides such a provoking scene, I am having a hard time pulling my eyes off the poem. I keep getting pulled back to the poem and wanting to read it again and again. I find this poem wonderful and thought provoking that, that is all I can say.

New reviews by Paige:

For Angeles:

You certainly have an interesting story in this poem. I can see the inspiration that was drawn from the painting Professor Lee gave us. I especially like the last line “Heavy pockets, friendless, and a little more love”. I think that’s a nice ending. The last couplet is nice, as well. However, I think there are a few times where your lines could’ve packed more of a punch. I’m thinking of “all lined up in a line” in particular. It sounds redundant, and like hitting a foul note on a piano. Perhaps if you had re-phrased it (I’m thinking “pages in a row” or something along those lines), it would’ve made more of an impact. Don’t be afraid to go outside of the box when describing things! When writing, I always see the tip “show, don’t tell” and I think that can be applied to poetry as well! “She lays heavy on the couch and starts to speak” can turn into something like “Her indent in the couch is deep as words fly off her tongue”. Trust me, it will please the reader. You have a great start to the poem, and I can’t wait to see what you do with the next!

 

For Chase:

Oh my word that one couplet “I have him elaborate; I try my best to be empathetic. I admit I even enjoyed playing the Devil’s advocate” was BRILLIANT. Overall, the story you were trying to tell in your poem flowed well. I never questioned what was happening. You had the scene and the mood, and you executed it well. You really speak to the people who are usually the “therapists” to their friends with the line “As I listen I wonder ‘will anyone ever hear mine?’” Everybody has been there, I’m sure. Silently suffering just for the sake of helping someone else. Once again, you captured the mood of your poem brilliantly. Your first line showcases this. Keep it up, Chase! I can’t wait to see what you write next. Well done.